Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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