My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
