I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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