The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
