Four minutes until I can fart!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
