Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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