Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
