Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I pour the whiskey from now on
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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