Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
