i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pants are for mortals
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
