What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
