My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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