I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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