I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
