Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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