Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
