Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
