The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
