i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
