they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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