Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
