i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
