If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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