I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
