I can text with my tongue
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
