after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
