I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
