checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
