ya dads aren't the best wingmen
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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