seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He? As in you personified your dick?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
