So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
