Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
