I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
