my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You pole danced in your parka.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
