first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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