I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
