I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
