as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
