you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Randomize
