I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
