Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
