perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
