i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Randomize
