I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
