yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
