I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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