you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
NoShamevember. You game?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
