When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
