OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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