just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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