cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
should my penis look like a turkey
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
