Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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