Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
